As I am starting my fourth year at this hospital and as I have not written an essay for January, I thought I would take stock of my life and give you some general musings on how I feel. Take note that I barely slept last night, so I am exhausted and pessimistic. (Maybe this isn't the best time to generalize about your life.) You could be right, but it's the perfect time to capture that ‘Have I told you lately how messed up my life is?’ feeling.
I am getting to the age where I know a lot of people who have died. That makes me wonder when my time will be. One of my mom’s best friends passed away recently, and I was able to see her quickly on her last FaceTime phone call with my mom. She was clearly about to go. I know in many ways I'm not in the best of health, but I don‘t feel anywhere close to not being here anymore. I look at my mom, and I am very aware that she is getting older. Not that she‘s close to dying, but it's front-of-mind for me that she won't be here forever.
Thinking about all that makes me wonder about my legacy. If my sister and I are my parents' legacy, I think my website is the closest thing to a legacy I'm going to get since I don't have kids. There's a lot of work I could do on that, but week after week, it goes unfinished. I will get to it eventually. (Let's hope so.) There's a lot of good knowledge and experience I could share that might help people. (Might? Oh, I get it, you're being modest.)
When I first moved to Oʻahu, Humphrey was still alive, and my plan was to find a place where we could live together again. That didn't happen. I would desperately like to find a place to live so I could have a cat again. Relationships with men were not in the cards for me this lifetime, I have determined, but cats are a different matter. If I could have a cat in my life every day, I would be completely content. I'm not sure how that will happen, but it's a goal of mine.
I'm very glad I continue to look younger than my actual age. Although my hair has severely thinned, it has largely not gone gray. I have gray hairs, but they are conveniently located at the back of my head or underneath the brown top layer. The assumptions you have about yourself shape your life, so I don't mind if one of mine is that I'm young. Also, since I‘ve never bothered with makeup, what you see is what you get, and I'm glad I never have to worry about plastic surgery. What I need to work on is seeing myself as healthy.
I've done a lot of work in my life when I was younger, and I know the difference between living consciously and going through life unconsciously. I have not been intentional enough with my actions, and I have been content just treading water. You're not going to sink, but you're not going to get anywhere either. Part of me thinks that if I get involved with anything, it will generate enough positive energy to keep me moving forward.
I was just at a resident council meeting for the hospital, and they were talking about asking the new CEO of the hospital to join our next meeting. I would really love to meet him and offer myself as someone who could make a presentation to the state legislature on why this hospital is vital to the residents, their families, and the community at large. I could write a very stirring two or three-minute speech that would tug at everyone's heartstrings.
Sounds good, Ellen, get on that! Let's make this year a time when you get stuff done. Let's work on writing those pieces to add to the website so you can really be helpful to those people looking for information on my disability. Then, as you kick some ass getting that completed, the right housing situation will present itself, I predict. As per usual, everything will fall into place. Here's to future Humphrey!
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