“Hell Drivers” - 5/26-6/1/25

Monday, May 26th

M and I browsed the Criterion Collection, and as we wandered through the titles, he talked about different movies as I got excited about each movie he described. But as he himself admitted today, he tends to overhype things. He said that about last week's movie, and I said at the time he first saw the movie, he was thrilled by it, and he remembered that feeling. (One of the movies he was talking about was The Long Goodbye, and I watched it later that night. I decided it was a film typical of Robert Altman and I wasn't a fan of his.)

We ended up watching this 1957 film from a collection of blacklisted filmmakers. This film is directed by Cy Endfield, a blacklisted director who made this film in Britain. If you watch closely, you can see Patrick McGoohan and a young Sean Connery in supporting roles. It was a good little thriller about corruption in the gravel trucking industry.

Tuesday, May 27th

My masseuse texted me and said she was all better and able to see me today if I wanted. Yes, please! She arrived at 2 PM, chipper as always. I, on the other hand, barely slept the night before, and I was dead tired. So we had a fairly quiet massage that felt really good after so long of nothing. She noticed my right side was tighter than she remembered. It'll be good to get it loosened up.

Wednesday, May 28th

Today was shower day and the resident council meeting. S gave me breakfast and then told me Y would give me a shower. Y was a new CNA who was getting used to all of the residents’ routines. That included giving me a shower. After I got over my initial disappointment, I gave Y some basic pointers, and we did it. She was better than I thought she would be for the first time, and I was happy and clean. Then we got up in my chair so I could go to the meeting. Nice!

After lunch, I looked forward to my friend A visiting me with onion rings. Then she called and said the place I had recommended was not there anymore, and did I have something else she could bring? I suggested frozen yogurt, and she said she was at a place and would text me their menu. Blah blah, she showed up with a half-melted frozen treat, which we ate in the solarium with the million-dollar view.

It was actually a nondairy frozen treat made from bananas. I love a good alternative food, and it was tasty, although I had a picture of frozen yogurt with lots of nasty, tasty, sugary goodies on top and caramel sauce all around. But this was good and much healthier, which is always a plus. A wasn't able to stay long and promised to come back with onion rings. I love having something to look forward to.

Thursday, May 29th

I was excited about Freddie coming by, but again, my therapist was almost a half an hour late. She said Freddie was partially to blame, as it took her a while to capture him. He showed some interest in looking out of the stroller, but that was about it. I read my latest essay to her, and that relaxed Freddie as well. Then Dr. R put him on my bed, and he just sat there. That was good. He wasn't running straight back to the stroller. Then something freaked Freddie out, and he did run back. Dr. R said she will get here earlier and leave the closed stroller next to my bed so he can spend time near me and get used to the sounds, etc. I am not going to be disturbed by how disconnected he and I are. I know I can make it work with my kitty buddy. Or it won't. We'll see.

Friday, May 30th 

I had thought of an idea for a quick, hopefully uplifting essay, and I got it done in short order. I need to get some other articles done so the site can be ready for others to see it. I want to do a thorough explanation of my suprapubic catheter so it could be a reference for people looking to get one. Blah blah, well stop talking about it and get it done already! There are too many things I like watching. Make some sacrifices, lady!

Saturday, May 31st

My stepbrother, M, called to see if it was OK to stop by later that day with shrimp pad Thai. Always and forever you are cleared to visit and bring me shrimp pad Thai. I will never say no to that! How wonderful is this guy? His wife S was still getting over a cold, so she did not join him. She's pretty great too, and I hope she gets well soon. We had a good time chatting, and I read him my new essay also. I like that it will be ready to post at the beginning of the month. Perfect!

Sunday, June 1st

At about 10 AM, I got a text from my sister asking me to call her. "I wonder what this is about," I thought. She did not mince words: "The people at Guardian Care called me and said that Dad had passed away at about 2:30 AM." Dad was under the custody of the state guardians and in hospice care. I instantly started crying because it had been at least a month since I had last talked to him. I was very disappointed in myself for having neglected him.

Of course, when I talked to my aunt a few hours later, she said that I was the person who spoke to him the most over the course of his life. As I got older and had more perspective about him, I was able to establish a good relationship with him. Then, when he went off his medications and wandered across the country on buses, I had the time and patience to listen to him for hours. I definitely put in my time then.

I also thought about Humphrey and how present he still is with me now. Why wouldn't it be the same for Dad? It's even better because he no longer has the fog of mental illness clouding him. I imagine him looking down at me and smiling. "You're doing great," he's telling me. The beauty is, no one can say that's not right because no one knows for sure!

I will continue processing this loss for a while to come, I'm sure. The cover photo is of me, my sister, and Dad from sometime in the 90s. This is what my father looked like when he was my dad growing up. In his last few years, he grew his hair out and grew a beard. I barely recognize him. Have a fabulous week, and I will as well, I promise!